


Sweet Bro and Unsolved Jests

by godtiermeme



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Oneshot, Short One Shot, Sitcom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22569025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/pseuds/godtiermeme
Summary: Welcome to Sweet Bro and Unsolved Jests Network! This is your one-stop shop for all things that have to do with the mysterious, unsolved, and obviously bogus. Sponsored by HTC, hosted by Dave Strider and Karkat Vantas, sometimes starring Aradia Megido.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Sweet Bro and Unsolved Jests

**Author's Note:**

> fuck it i'm posting this at like 1 am. i'll check it for errors tomorrow.

**Episode 2.01: Mothman**

“BLEARGH! I'M MOTHMAAAAAN!” A small woman, with wild, wooly hair pops out from the underbrush. She has stuck twigs onto a headband, to resemble antennae. Her faux attack is met with snickers from both the film crew and the stars of the web show.

“Okay, so I guess we found Mothman, and it's actually Aradia,” quips Dave Strider, one of the show's two hosts. He snickers, elbows the resident and self-proclaimed paranormal expert in the ribs, and rolls his eyes. “Really, though, we've been filming for, what? Seven hours. I didn't even see a fucking moth, and the only other man here is Karkat. So I think we're nixing this one, and calling Mothman an absolute bust, right? Edit in the super sick Mythbusters ripoff sign that I whipped up, future me.”

Rose sets aside the camera she's been in charge of for the duration of the filming. She reaches into the nearby cooler, takes out a bottled iced tea, and pops the top off. Not wanting to litter, she keeps the metal top in her pocket. “Wouldn't it have helped if we actually endeavored to travel to where reports of Mothman are actually prevalent. Say, West Virginia?” she queries, brows pointedly raised. The setting sun paints her tan skin a warm, soft hue. “And, before you say it, Virginia _is not_ the same as _West_ Virginia, Dave.”

“Yeah? Well, we all know that Aradia and I got banned from West Virginia last season. Remember? Harper's Ferry? We kind of wrecked that wax museum. And, by ‘kind of’, I mean we _Indiana Jones_ -ed the fuck out of those poor wax people. In my defense, fuck that place. It was creepy as hell, and they didn't need to stage the execution scene.”

“Oh, really? What happened to all that fucking talk, Strider? Ghosts aren't real! Mothman is just a confused cosplayer. Bigfoot is a really hardcore furry.” Karkat smirks. His skin is lit with a brilliant, rich umber light. He runs his fingers through his wild hair, and the bridge of his prominent nose wrinkles when he laughs. “I thought you _never_ got scared.”

“I don't.” Dave puffs out his chest, drawing extended sighs from all in attendance. As an offhanded mention, he tacks on, “Aliens are real, though. They're probably grey, with little orange horns. And they've got pointy teeth and elf ears. You heard it here, first. Kanaya, are you still recording sound?”

A tall, elegant woman, with skin almost the color of the night sky, responds. “You never told me to stop.”

“Cool. Free blooper reel.” Dave jerks his thumb over his shoulder, towards their shitty and barely functioning Winnebago Itasca. “I vote Dave and Buster's for the wrap meal.”

Kanaya bristles at the idea. “You know, you cannot simply continue to pick Dave and Busters because it has your name in it. That is, pardon my language, rather fucking stupid.”

Rose, meanwhile, smirks. Flashing her phone screen in Dave's direction, she proudly announces, “There is not a Dave and Busters establishment anywhere within fifty miles of us. There is, however, a Waffle House. I vote Waffle House. All in favor?” When everyone but Dave raises their hand, Rose, obviously pleased with herself, sets the GPS to direct them to the chosen destination. “Waffle House it is, then.”

* * *

**Episode 2.05: _El Chupacabra_**

“Hey, look! Free dog!” Dave pounces. He scoops up the animal, eager to get the creature into the RV. After all, it's the middle of winter. It doesn't matter if they're on the Mexican border. It's still a little chilly. At least, that's what he assumes, considering chihuahuas tend to be tiny and short-haired. The creature quickly warms to him, nestling against his chest. Now, though, looking at it, it doesn't _look_ like a chihuahua. Its head is closer to a goat's, but it's still got dog-like teeth, with protruding fangs. “Shit, man, this is one ass-ugly chihuahua.”

Karkat, looking strangely dumbstruck, shows Dave [a photo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chupacabra#/media/File:Chupacabra_\(artist's_rendition\).jpg) on his phone. “You fucking imbecile, that probably _is_ the chupacabra! Put it back, before you destroy the ecosystem!”

Dave laughs the suggestion off, waving his hand in the air. “That's a load of bullshit. This is just an ugly chihuahua.” When he scratches the creature's head, it wags its scraggly little tail. “I'm gonna’ call it Geromy.”

A low growl escapes Karkat. Trailing behind Dave, he makes eye contact with Rose, who seems to share his disbelief.

* * *

**Episode 2.07: Pope Lick Monster**

With their RV pulled over, on the side of a stretch of absolutely-fucking-nothing-as-far-as-you-can-see highway, Dave scrutinizes the paper map he pulled from the used RV's glove box. “You sure you don't have a signal on your phone, guys? This map says it's from 1993. I think that's just an itty bitty bit out of date.” He props his feet on the steering wheel. “Hmmm...”

“If we had a phone signal, do you think we'd resort to asking you, someone who can't even follow directions so basic a toddler could follow them, to figure out where in the name of bullshit American hell we are!?” snips Karkat. He grumbles under his breath, “Lousy stupid fucking phone towers and stupid motherfucking giant trees.” After letting forth a loud, pained, and thoroughly annoyed groan, he shoves his hand back into the bag of Bugles.

Immediately after this, Kanaya snatches the snacks away. “That's our last bag of Bugles. Save some for us.”

From her spot on the top bunk on the right wall, Aradia helpfully provides her opinion, “Sharing is caring, Karkat!”

“Fuck all of you. I'm going to sleep. Wake me up when Dave finally loses control, and we careen, screaming to some unknown God, into the Grand Canyon.” He readjusts the passenger's chair, until the back is angled perfectly, and he prepares to pull his sleep mask down. Just before he does, he sees something through the front window—a large, bipedal, goat-faced creature. It snarls at them, approaches the bus, and begins to tap on the glass. “Uh... Is anyone else seeing this?”

The looks of bewilderment on everyone's faces, as seen in the rearview mirror, seem to be a resounding “yes” to this question.

Karkat reaches over, shaking Dave's shoulder, trying to get him to look away from the map. “Hey! Dimwit! Dumbass McIdiotface! You clueless oaf! It's the goddamned Pope Lick—”

Just as Dave looks up, the monster scurries away.

The entire bus lets fly a collective “fuck”.

* * *

**Episode 2.08: Hudson River Monster**

After a long day of filming, the crew lounges in a section of the Hudson River. They splash about, carefree, whining all the while about how boring their shoot was.

“I hate to admit it, but I think we can safely scratch the Hudson River Monster off of our list,” Rose tuts. She floats lazily on her back, enjoying the oddly warm weather.

“It probably heard that Dave was coming and drowned itself,” Karkat snickers. The commentary earns him a dunk into the lake. Dave yanks him by his ankle, pulling him off the idling recreational boat he's sitting on. After he surfaces, he responds, quite characteristically, “Go fuck yourself with those stupid shades.”

“If that's what gets you hot and nasty, man, then I really don't know what to tell you about it.” Dave smirks. He opens his mouth to say more, only to feel something brush against his ankle. He looks down, and bursts out laughing when he finds Aradia staring at him from the water. “None of you are convincing me any of this shit exists. You know that, right?”

Aradia bobs to the surface. She, too, smirks. “Yeah. And, to be fair, this one is probably a total bust. But I swear we all saw the Pope Lick Monster.”

“And the Bunny Man is my third cousin,” Dave quips. “Hey, is there a Ben and Jerry's nearby?”

“I'd check, but it seems that _somebody_ quite dear to my girlfriend left the portable charger in the RV, and my phone is dead.” Kanaya throws her arm over the side of the boat, turning her upper body to face Dave. “I'm sure there is, somewhere. Don't worry your underwhelming little face about it.”

“I think I'm going to take offense to that.”

* * *

**Episode 2.09: Goatman**

Late at night, once everyone else has gone to bed, Dave and Karkat find themselves on top of the RV. They stare at the stars, picking out random shapes (mostly dicks). It's only after hearing his own stomach growl that Karkat sits upright. “I'm gonna go get some chips. You want some?”

“Yeah, whatever.” Dave yawns.

Karkat clambers down the ramshackle ladder. He quietly plods back into the RV, spirits away a bag of plain Lays potato chips, and prepares to climb back onto the roof. As he does, he catches a glimpse of something that closely resembles a man. It's larger, perhaps seven feet tall, and its lower legs belong to goat, though its torso, arm, and legs are distinctly human. He covers his mouth, refusing to make a sound, and whips out his phone. The flash goes off, and, confident that he's gotten evidence of a cryptid, he triumphantly returns to sit beside Dave.

“Shit. Is it storming?” Dave rubs the back of his neck.

“It most fucking certainly is not! But a storm of truth is coming for you, because I have indisputable evidence of—” Karkat opens the photo, only to find that he only managed to catch a burred image of the goat-like hindquarters retreating into the woods. “—Goat... man... Fuck.”

Dave takes the phone, studies the image, and snorts with laughter. “Nice photo of a goat's ass, dude.”

Collapsing onto the blankets that have been spread atop the RV, Karkat sighs. “I fucking hate you.”

* * *

**Episode 2.10: Werewolves**

The shoot ends with Dave standing alongside a hulking, broad-shouldered wolf-man. He laughs heartily, stroking the creature's neck. “Damn. Aradia really went all out with this costume, huh? I'm impressed.” He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a rawhide bone, and throws it as far as he can.

The beast, its tail wagging eagerly, scampers off, following the bone into the dense brush.

Dave, unaware of the slack-jawed stares of literally every other member of the team, gives the outro. “So, it just goes to show that can't believe everything you see online. Werewolves are a fucking bust, which sucks. I really hoped these would check out. I mean... Not that I'm a furry or anything. But I might be.” He grins, pats Karkat on the shoulder, and casually walks past him, his mind set solely upon grabbing a fresh soda from the cooler.

“Uh... Dave?” Aradia mumbles.

From Dave, another laugh. “Wow! You changed pretty fast. Nice prank, Aradia. We'll be having conspiracy theorists eating this episode up like a dog with peanut butter.” He shakes her hand.

After Dave has walked away, Karkat scampers up. “Should we tell him it wasn't you?” he whispers.

Aradia shakes her head.

Rose, now, offers her input. “He'll just think it was someone else. Let's just... keep this one a secret,” she mumbles.


End file.
